Machete Review

If you haven't seen Machete you need to do yourslef a favour and make sure you catch this epic film. I happened to stumble on a review which trashes Machete all the way, personally I love the movie and have no issues with anything that goes on the entire 105 minutes. This review is hilarious because people tend to take themselves too seriously and miss the coolness of Machete.


I'm not happy at all about the script, the narrative and the goings-on - This action movie is a bloody, crappy disaster

LET me draw in lots of air, fill my chest up to the point of bulging and then release a long sigh. Now let's do it together . in . hold it . and out. Now say this after me: Oh, Machete, you're kidding me.

Again, and again. I'm not joking. I'm dead serious, and I'm sorry for being disrespectful and vulgar. Oh, Machete, you're kidding me. That's the first line that came to mind after watching this gory, star-studded Robert Rodriguez movie.

I just couldn't believe I'd just seen a film in which one ugly dude with scars on his face, and no bulletproof vest on him, aptly named Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo), wields a machete and slashes through a host of gun-toting and shooting people.

And then, just to add a bitter taste to an already badly assembled dish, he kisses and has sex with the most beautiful women, including Jessica Alba (Agent Sartana Rivera) and Michelle Rodriquez.

No one talks shit about Machete!

 
I mean, come on Mr Rodriguez! What are you taking us for? And I sincerely thought it was a Quentin Tarantino movie, only to learn later, with much disappointment, that the film is actually an expansion of a fake trailer released by Mr Rodriguez and Mr Tarantino in their 2007 Grindhouse.

Look, I'm very happy for Trejo, who has notched up his first-ever lead role as Machete. But I'm not happy at all about the script, the narrative and the goings-on. It's a great action movie if you're searching for a jumpstart to your weakly beating heart but I'll be honest with you - it's a bloody, crappy disaster.

Rodriguez must have a lot of friends in high places. I mean, how do you explain the presence of Robert De Niro, Alba and Steven Seagal in this B-movie? But then again, splashing a whole lot of big names in a movie with an infantile storyline is the latest trend in Hollywood these days. Think The Expendables.

Machete will in fact remind you of Desperado (1995), which stars Antonio Banderas. Oh, my gosh, it's also directed by Robert Rodriquez and it's a cut-and-paste of Desperado, the only difference being that Trejo as Machete carries a machete, not a guitar case that opens up to spring up a gun.

OK, let me cut to the chase. The fearsome Trejo is Machete, a Mexican Federale-turned-renegade who has had a torrid encounter with druglord Rogelio Torrez (Seagal) that leads to Machete's wife being killed in front of him. So Machete has a serious machete to grind with Torrez.

He's then offered $150,000 to kill a corrupt senator, John McLaughlin (De Niro), by unscrupulous spin doctor Michael Booth (Jeff Fahey), who is linked to Torrez. The senator, together with Von Jackson (Don Johnson), a twisted border vigilante, is behind the ambushing of hundreds of illegal immigrants from Mexico when they enter US borders. But it turns out Machete has been sold a dummy and can count only on Shé (Michelle Rodriguez) and Agent Rivera to can carry out his machete mission.

It's cheesy. I don't get it: how in God's name does Lindsay Lohan, a famous druggie, get to be a nun wielding a gun after strutting naked and making out with Machete.

Blasphemy ranks high in Machete, and there's two more instalments on the way. Oh, Machete, you're kidding me.




I think the person who wrote this revue been sipping on too much Hatorade.The movie is great and you should do yourself a favour and watch the movie despite what this munt says.

BCM

sowetan